Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Shower sex be like:
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?