The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Who’s your best friend?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg