Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
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“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today