Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
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To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!