People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
#SCOTUS one-star review
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger