little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
You Might Also Like
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
✌️
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.