it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
You Might Also Like
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
This made me chuckle.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!