i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
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Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Encore…
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I unironically love this joke.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels