The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
You Might Also Like
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.