[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.