I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?