i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
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To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him