If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
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My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.