Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
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Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
When someone trying to leave me
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!