If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
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sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
The booster protects against what, now?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.