[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Growing out my freckles.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.