That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
😲 WTF? 😆
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Beware…..
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol