Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
english majors be like furthermore
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.