You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Her: I love you
Me: What鈥檇 I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what鈥檇 you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that鈥檚 the only way to make friends at school
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn鈥檛 actually FBI it still is in my head and I鈥檓 rethinking every conversation I鈥檝e ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
How Vaccines Work 馃Й馃К馃馃拤 (everyone needs to watch this)
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
First day as a 911 operator:
鈥渨hoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.