me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I love art.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
the greatest twitter interaction
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
me as a parent
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played