DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
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the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
plant them where lol
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart