My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
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Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.