Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.