When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
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My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Finally!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
2022 will be better than 2021
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!