chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Best table by far
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting