The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off