Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
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eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Midwest trash talk
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds