The big book of baby names but for safe words
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.