If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
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My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu