Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.