Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
every. time.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys