STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
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Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.