We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11