*hires sky writer*
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Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
the noise i just made
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.