The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does