I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
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Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”