People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too