bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
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I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen