I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
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*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?