doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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PLOT TWIST:
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.