My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
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My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.