$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.