If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.