The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
very niche meme I made
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.