I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
🙂🐾
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better