When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Tough love is true love
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Seems legit
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.