I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
reminder
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.