I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Very good! 👍😂
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much