How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?