Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.